Valentine's Day: What not to do

Handy hints for those of you who only feel compelled to express your feelings as and when the greetings card industry dictates that you must 

Don't get a scuba diver to propose at the London Aquarium 
How is this supposed to work?  'Ahem… look over there darling, it's a beautiful and conveniently placed shoal of fish.  Oh wait, what's that strange man doing swimming around in the tank?  No, don't call security, let him get a bit closer.  Closer… there!  Look at that tacky sign with the heartfelt clip-art.  He wants you to marry me!  What do you mean you never want to see me again?'  It ticks all the boxes really.   Getting someone else to propose for you because you're an emotionless and cowardly icicle?  Tick!  Embarrassing the person you love most at a mediocre tourist attraction (I've set up better aquaria in my living room, without even the assistance of flooding or Endless Ocean)?  Tick!  Finding an unnecessarily expensive way to obliterate your long-term relationship?  Tick!  And there you have it.  If your partner is waiting for you to pop the question and you want out, this could be the perfect escape route.  It looks like you tried, there's absolutely no risk of them saying yes, and it'll make a brilliant anecdote. 

Don't buy them a compilation of cheesy love songs
Giving someone The Greatest Valentine's Day Album… Ever! (note: other titles are available) doesn't say 'I love you'.  It says 'I can't be bothered to show or tell you how I feel, so here are some songs written by people who aren't me about people who aren't you selected by people who aren't either of us'.  It says 'I was desperately trawling high-street chain stores at the last minute and this had some hearts on it'.  It's a cop-out. It's not even an afterthought, it's an instead-of-thought.  If your heart is set on giving music, you'd better sit down at the piano or make your own mixtape.  Even then, it had better be part of something bigger.

Don't go and watch Blue Valentine 
It does say Valentine in the title, so I can imagine research-intolerant people making this mistake.  Don't do it.  You'll either find it harrowing and sad, or (like me) wonder why on earth it's received so much praise.  I have no complaints about the central performances (though any nominations are based more on percentage screen time than wonderful acting), but the characters are thoroughly unlikeable and the ending inevitable.  Either way, the last thing you'll feel coming out of the cinema is romantic.  Possibly depressed, probably disappointed, certainly poorer: or, to put it another way, like you've just broken up.  The satisfaction of recognising Rawls from The Wire might not be enough to rescue your evening.

Don't spend all your money on a guided tour of the Freud Museum 
I quite fancy a trip to the Freud Museum, but not like this.  Not an intimate guided tour for two surrounded by the paraphernalia of questioning your desires.  Not for £125, no matter how many Freudian gifts they might slip into the promised (and worryingly vague) "goody bag".  And certainly not for the extra prosecco and mouth-ticklers you'd get on a £150 deluxe tour.  'Happy Valentine's Day, darling.  But why are we REALLY here?'  This is no time to present your true love with an intense voyage of self-discovery and a chocolate phallus.