A guide to solving cryptic crosswords: part two

Four weeks ago, I posted part one of this guide.  You might remember that I gently introduced the subject by explaining how to spot anagrams and hidden words.  You might not, because it's been a long time and you haven't been practising, even though you promised you would.  You've earned yourself a heavy dose of Inspector Remorse. 

We've only skimmed the surface so far.  You'll need a full bag of tools to tackle a cryptic crossword and I've pretty much only given you the bag so far, together with a tiny note reading 'I've borrowed all the tools, you can have them in four weeks'.  I owe you nine-tenths of an iceberg, so I'm cracking open the freezer.  Let's get started.

Flugelbert's primer
It's probably not even worth opening your newspaper without understanding this simple premise.  For each clue, you'll need to count the number of times that the letter A appears.  0-3 As means that the answer will be a noun (2 usually indicates a proper noun).  4 or 5 signifies a verb, 6 an adverb.  7 or more As and you can guarantee that you're looking for an adjective.  This should help you rule out some of your more outlandish ideas and focus your thoughts.  The name and principle of this concept commemorate Gerardus Flugelbert, a celebrated Slovak cruciverbalist who could instinctively pinpoint the correct positions of all the As throughout any crossword at a glance.

Triskaidekasymmetry 
You'll probably have noticed that crossword grids are supposed to be symmetrical.  Take that to its logical conclusion, and you'll be well on your way to solving some of the trickiest clues around.  If you can solve a clue in one half of a crossword, you should be able to work out the corresponding answer in the other half (its "triskaiflection") straight away.  How?  Simply advance each letter of the answer 13 places through the alphabet.  Whenever you get to Z, you'll need to start again at A and continue your counting - this explains triskaidekasymmetry's classification in the puzzling pantheon as a Pacmanian premise.

Se doku
Have you ever wondered why Japanese number puzzles sit so comfortably next to crosswords?  The answer is simple - the former was developed from the latter.  Se doku is one of the founding principles of the crossword puzzle. In any row or column or answer, there should not be any repeated letters.  If you think you've solved a clue but this rule is violated, you only have "an answer", not "the answer".  The name was slightly changed to avoid any copyright claims from the estate of the late Edward Powys Mathers and Derrick Somerset Macnutt.  Cruciverbalists often joke at conventions that the corruption to su doku has violated the very rule which inspired the puzzle!

Alphascrabbling 
After reading about se doku, you'll appreciate that mind game developers rank among the world's worst plagiarists.  The aforementioned inventors of the cryptic crossword - hallowed be their names - are just as guilty.  A giant leap towards solving any clue can be taken by assigning each letter in the clue a corresponding integer value between 1 and 26.  Adding these integers will give you a "total", and the square root of this "total" tells you the scrabble value of the answer.  You must assume that the word is not placed on any double or triple word or letter spaces, unless the trigger words "biscuit" or "chaise-longue" appear in the clue.

Hit parade 
Crossword setters in the 1950s noted the introduction of the singles chart with a rather cynical interest, and quickly realised (being an iconoclastic bunch of godless evolutionists) that they would need to adapt to survive.  All the answers taken together must include the song and artist name of the number one single from the corresponding week 16 years ago.  Originally the number 4 was chosen, but this was increased to 16 by the Geneva Convention.  This provoked far more debate than the more famous rules for treatment of wartime prisoners, which were only whacked together in a frenzy of displacement activity sparked by a particularly tricky 17 across.  Hardcore solvers maintain that the answers must also include the album and label names and at least 16% of the words used in the liner notes.

Sensorationalism
Crosswords are often printed on special paper.  Several trigger words might prompt you to realise that the answer to a clue is already imprinted in barely perceptible Braille - examples are "sight unseen", "dotty" and "red".  The same applies if there are no Is anywhere in the clue.  Running one's hands across the grid before tackling the clues is known is "fumbling", and is frowned upon - accusations of fumbling have marred many international tournaments and ruined promising careers.  Similarly, if the letters of the phrase "inky nostrils" appear anywhere in a clue - in any order - you will need to rub your finger across the corresponding answer spaces and sniff.  Be very careful not to stray into any neighbouring spaces, as these are often infused with powerful and deeply unpleasant scents designed to lead you astray.  Cruciverbalists with wandering hands frequently suffer crippling bouts of anosmia.

Armed with these tools, you should have any crossword puzzle wrapped around your little finger!  But not literally, because the clues will be illegible, you won't be able to fill in the answers and your finger will get covered in ink.