Friday the thirteenth

The Friday the thirteenth superstition seems to have developed organically in the nineteenth century.  Unless you prefer to believe Dan Brown and his conspiracy of time-travelling nuclear weapon -wielding space Popes of manifest destiny, or whatever those books were about.  Either way, 2012 will include three Friday the thirteenths (starting today), so this year should be as unlucky as it gets.  Paraskevidekatriaphobics should be on their guard, and not just against people cobbling together ridiculous Greek words.

Spanish-speaking cultures apparently believe that Tuesday the thirteenth is unlucky instead.  Thirteen has been considered an unlucky number ever since Judas became the world's least favourite party guest, so just add your culture's least favourite day of the week and voila - the writing's on the very superstitious wall.  It's that simple.  Assuming that you're willing to believe in things that you don't understand, of course.

Here's an exhaustive list of bad (note: not remotely unfortunate) things that have happened on Friday the thirteenth.  In 1996, Tupac Shakur was pronounced dead - not shot, just the subsequent procedural formality.  In 2010, an engineering train decoupled for 13 minutes causing some minor delays on the Tube.  In 2029, an asteroid might pass unusually close to the Earth, and I'll admit that this has already inspired several godawful films.  Perhaps worst of all, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen were born on a Friday the thirteenth in 1986.  But that's it.  That's all I could find.  The invasion of Poland, Hiroshima, Coldplay album releases, Lockerbie, Chernobyl, Diagnosis Murder being cancelled, Fukushima, the assassination of Dr Martin Luther King Jr, the birth of James Corden, Katrina, the Great Fire, Kate Winslet getting married, 9/11, 7/7, a critical mass of people deciding that 24/7 is an acceptable adverb, the Titanic sinking, the Belgrano sinking, Pirates Of The Caribbean - none of these indescribably awful things happened on Friday the thirteenth.

One study estimated that behavioural changes cost the US economy almost a billion dollars each Friday the thirteenth.  Ascribing unlucky everyday occurrences to the coincidence of a number and a day is certainly much more fun than accepting responsibility or bothering to analyse causation.  But don't forget to buy your lottery ticket today.

2012 quiz of the year

If you've made it through Christmas without being subjected to a seemingly interminable quiz poring over every conceivable aspect of 2011 in forensic detail, congratulations.  Really.  You deserve some sort of medal, or perhaps even a broadsheet newspaper subscription.

Trivial ritual and reminiscence is all very well, but I'd prefer to look forward (if only to sustain the rather tenuous premise of this introduction).  So I've prepared this rather tricky little batch of 12 questions about the coming year instead.  If you feel like submitting your answers and haven't cheated, you can email them to me - there might* even be a small prize!  Bribing me to procure hints is positively encouraged.  If that seems far too much like hard work**, the answers will almost certainly*** appear here in 10 days or so.   Good luck!


1.   Which central American civilisation is commonly believed to have predicted that the world would end on 21 December 2012?

2.   Which undeservedly bestselling and undeniably ludicrous work of fiction published in 2009 centres around that prediction?

3.   Why was the film '2012' banned in North Korea?

4.   Which star of '2012' had previously played an illegal immigrant forced to harvest organs in a London hotel in his first major film role?

5.   2012 marks the 100th anniversary of Alan Turing's birth.  What is the Turing test?

6.   Queen Elizabeth II will celebrate her Diamond Jubilee in 2012 (assuming that she doesn't kick the bucket before 6 February).  Which date has been designated as a special bank holiday to mark the occasion?

7.   Who is the only other British monarch to have celebrated a Diamond Jubilee?

8.   London will host the Summer Olympic Games for the third time in 2012.  In which other years did London host the games?

9.   Which three other cities have hosted the Summer Olympic Games twice?

10.   Which popular "historical science fiction action-adventure" video game series featuring the character Desmond Miles takes place primarily in 2012?

11.   How many Friday the 13ths will there be in 2012?

12.   Which British author would have celebrated his 200th birthday on 7 February 2012?


* (but there won't)
** (because you're incredibly lazy)
*** (because I'm incredibly lazy)

About their Royal Wedding

In a long-overdue homage to the minds behind one of my favourite blogs, I thought I'd briefly hijack their MO to alert you to this unmissable item of royal wedding safety equipment.

Yes, it's a rather stylish Royal Wedding sick bag.  Designed by Lydia Leith, you can buy one directly from her website for the anything-but-princely sum of £3.  Or - because you know one bag isn't going to be enough to get through this - how about a matching (and suitably regal) gold and purple set for £8?  I'm proud to say I've ordered mine already. 

How to avoid setting a world record

You might remember that I got myself £200 of John Lewis vouchers by winning two games at the Cadbury Spots v Stripes event a couple of weeks ago.  And if you don't, why not?  I've mentioned it often enough (and then some).

The organisers have very kindly sent me some video footage of my miserable failures at two of the other games.  First up - stacking coins.  In case it isn't obvious, I was supposed to be doing this quickly.

Next up was competitive tea making - or, in other words, throwing teabags into mugs, adding spoons and touching a kettle to finish.  As you'll see, I've only explained those final stages of the game for completeness - I didn't even make it that far.  I'd DEFINITELY have done a lot better with coffee.  Watch all the way to the end for a world-class gesture of contemptuous petulance.  For reference, someone finished this game in 45 seconds...

Can you do better?

Yes.

10 'facts' about Libya

In a recent survey, 83% of participants ranked Muammar Gaddafi as their least favourite Moomin

Roadside assistance organisation Green Flag is actually a money laundering facade maintained by the Libyan transport ministry

The country's geopolitical stock could plummet.  Standard & Poor are threatening to downgrade it to 'Libby B', one place behind Karl Kennedy's daughter

Psychologists have cited the acrimonious divorce from Moopa Gaddafi as a possible cause of the Colonel's insatiable rage

Coming soon to a cinema near you: the cartoon adventures of a megalomaniac autocrat, in "Gaddafi: DUCK!"

Placing two adjacent blank Scrabble tiles earns you a Tripoli word score - call 1-800-GADDAFI to find out what word you're required to have said

Gaddafi's public speaking style has earned him international renown as Libya's "unclear weapon"

The Colonel's enthuasiastic misunderstanding of English idioms forced major oil corporations to offer petroleum by-products as horticultural bribes.  Tripoli's palms have never looked greasier

Gaddafi's first name is actually Orville.  The popular acronym "OMG" derives from thinly-veiled references to his surprising behaviour in US intelligence reports

In Libyan Cluedo, you know the Colonel was the murderer from the start - you just have to guess today's victim

Blogging for Bournville

Dipping a tentative toe into the chocolate fountain of targeted marketing 

On Thursday night I attended a social event organised for Cadbury by creative agency PHD.  All the attendees were bloggers, with the possible exception of me.  The event was part of Cadbury's "Spots v Stripes" campaign to stir up some competitive spirit in Britain ahead of the Olympics, so we each played seven timed games and tried to smash some world records.

Getting the housekeeping out of the way, I suppose I should say Northfield, Illinois instead of Bournville, since Cadbury's historic link with West Midlands quaker philanthropy is now about as strong as Paris Hilton's.  I also shouldn't mention chocolate - Cadbury is the official "treat" provider for London 2012, so "chocolate" and "sweets" are frowned upon and must be expurgated with extreme prejudice.  Anyway.  On the night, we enthusiastically stacked coins, threw teabags, doodled, unrolled toilet paper, clicked, scrolled and made beds.  In true Olympic tradition, our deity-like efforts were fuelled by a free bar, free finger food, and free TREAT-filled goody bags.  A rigorous regime of blood and urine testing also helped to get us all in the mood.

I was atrocious. I stacked my 25 tuppences like a hook-handed blind man on a bouncy castle (52 seconds, fourth among our team of four).  I aimed teabags at cups as if my inaccuracy was performance art, and disconsolately discarded my last batch of ammo in a contemptible gesture of unsporting petulance (disqualified).  My doodle looked like a protest against the constraint of having to stay within the lines (disqualified).  The toilet roll spun flamboyantly out of my fumbling hand and nailed a spectacular gymnastic landing (disqualified).  I was a disgrace to team Spots and I knew I had a lot of making up to do.

Fortunately, the next two games were played on computers.  Even more fortunately, we didn't have time for me to find a way of being disqualified from bedmaking.  Suddenly my lack of aptitude for any practical task became less of a handicap.  I closed 20 windows in 9.5 seconds, and dragged some sort of cartoon starfish along a TREAT-coloured racetrack in 11.73 seconds.  I won both games and was awarded £200 of John Lewis vouchers.  21.23 seconds well spent, even if I'm pretty sure the vouchers won't be.

I guess we focused on 'faster' on Thursday - given how successful it was, my fingers are firmly crossed that there might yet be future 'higher' and 'stronger' -themed events to tick off the other parts of the Olympic motto.  We had a fabulous time whether losing or winning - the guys at PHD were great fun and the games were very well chosen.  The goody bags were fantastic too (deluxe Addict-A-Balls!).  The only downside is that PHD have threatened to send each of us a personalised video compilation of our performances.  I might post mine here, but - just like the Beijing 2008 opening ceremony - I can't promise that it won't be heavily edited to cast me in a more favourable light.  Watch this space.

Top 10: French Kiss Records

French Kiss has been one of my favourite labels for several years, and not just because it's run by some of the guys from Les Savy Fav (though that obviously helps). They have a fantastic roster of bands and a great record of making tracks freely available to get people hooked. People like me. Finding out that a new band has signed there consistently counts as a fruitful recommendation. Speaking of that, try these!

The Detachment Kit - Sitting Still, Talking About Jets 
Yes, it has a stupid prog name.  And it gets worse on that front: the album is called They Raging, Quiet Army.  Whatever that means.  But if I had to make an all-time top 10 without a theme or niche, this would be a live contender.  The Detachment Kit oscillate inexplicably between amazing and turgid without any warning (if they were hirsute I'd happily refer to them as bipolar bears), but this is the very top end of that scale.  If you need another reason to listen, I can do no better than refer you to the Queen Beaktapus board game enclosed with their second album.  See also: Skyscrapers, Dead Angels Make Slow Sound

The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy! 
This is just a song about a girl, and a guy, and a horse… called Chips Ahoy.  The horse, not the girl or the guy.  It doesn't have a point, a moral or a hidden meaning.  It's just fun to listen to, and triple that live. Witty lyrics and world-class riffs.  I can't recommend their gigs highly enough, but only because any accurate description would stop me getting tickets next time.  I've never seen anyone look happier than Craig Finn on stage.  See also: Constructive Summer, Stuck Between Stations, The Swish, Cattle And The Creeping Things, most of the rest of their songs…

Passion Pit - Little Secrets
You probably know this already.  Passion Pit are terrible live - the guy can't sing at all - but the recorded versions are bouncy and fun, so why let that ruin it for you?  Epic falsetto dance music, for all I know.  See also: I've Got Your Number, Moth's Wings

Thunderbirds Are Now! - Eat This City
They're VERY CURRENT, and they're VERY HUNGRY.  At least, that's what I took away from this song.  Either that or they're VERY ANGRY ABOUT ZONING RESTRICTIONS.  This is a silly band with silly song names like Panthers In Crime and Enough About Me, Let's Talk About Me, but this track is the highlight of a great album.  And the band name probably seemed less ironic when they were still releasing records.  See also: Better Safe Than Safari, 198090

Rahim - 10,000 Horses 
This song goes woo woo in all the right places.  Also some wrong ones, but the balance is in their favour.   I don't know whether Rahim are still releasing music and can't recommend any other songs, but only because I haven't heard them.  Hey, how about this: you do some work for once and tell ME whether they're good!  This isn't all one way you know.

Local Natives - Sun Hands
They're a bit like the Fleet Foxes you read all those laudatory things about that you couldn't hear in their boring records.  I shouldn't complain: I did get to see The Clientele massively overshadow them as support.  Anyway.  Where was I?  Ah yes, this band.  They're critically acclaimed AND good, so give last year's debut album a try.  See also: Airplanes, Who Knows Who Cares

Enon - Come Into 

If you remember guitarist John Schmersal's previous band Brainiac, you probably already know Enon.  Noisy jerky indie, sometimes with added Japanese girl vocals.  Never knowingly overproduced.  This is from their first album, Believo! - the later ones were probably more consistent, especially the brilliant High Society.  See also: Natural Disasters, Starcastic

The Dodos - Winter 
Stripped down - drums, guitar, man voices.  Quite different from most other French Kiss bands.  If you need to crack your way out of a tedious singer-songwritery rut, this would be a good place to start.  See also: Fools, Walking

Lifter Puller - Space Humpin' $19.99
Lifter Puller (LFTR PLLR to fans and irritable vowel sufferers) were Craig Finn's first band.  I'd apologise for including this song alongside the Hold Steady, but I'm just not an apologising kind of guy.   Plus, it's awesome.  It's hard to summarise the difference between the two bands, but let's try: all Lifter Puller's songs about drugs are very slightly less mature and articulate.  Lifter Puller had their own internal universe - a cast of characters, a map of streets and stories.  Apparently people still make pilgrimages to Minneapolis intersections referenced in their songs.  Not very many people, you understand.  A select and crazy few.  See also: Lie Down On Lansdowne, Half Dead And Dynamite

Les Savy Fav - Tragic Monsters 
I couldn't leave them out and wouldn't want to.  I've seen them a few times: when Tim Harrington started throwing lost-and-found women's shoes into the crowd in the rain at Victoria Park, I caught one and kept it for a year (almost entirely through forgetfulness).  At another gig, he taught my sister a lesson by shoving her phone down her top for texting during a song.  Punky songs with clever lyrics that are just easy enough to sing while off your tits or 30 metres into the crowd above their heads while naked in a dustbin.  "What we don't know can't hurt us yet", this song says.  Apply that rule and go buy their albums today.  Hell, give your record collection a spring clean and go get all the albums on this list.