UK Government asks: "Whose sheep are you anyway?"

Has it really been ten years since the last census?  Well, no.  Not quite.  But in two short months, you can expect to find your letterbox stuffed full of questions that you are legally obliged to answer.  PARTY TIME.

The most interesting feature of the last census was the introduction of a voluntary question asking people to state their religion for the first time since 1851.  The nation responded with unexpected enthusiasm: only 8% said nothing at all.  72% said Christian, 15% no religion, 3% Muslim and 1% Hindu.  Which major world religion came next?  Judaism?  Sikhism?  Buddhism?  No.  Inspired by the success of a similar campaign in New Zealand, more than 390,000 people declared themselves to be Jedi Knights.

The new census form has already been published and can be seen here, with apologies for the dodgy link.  'Jedi Knight' is still not listed as an answer (hate crime?), but the 'other' box remains gloriously, dangerously blank.  After a decade of being shouted down by census-citers, the British Humanist Association has recognised the risk that this presents to their cause.  Their campaign - "If you're not religious, for God's sake say so!" - does pretty much what it says on the inevitable bumper sticker.  In other words, stop dicking around with ponderous film franchises or saying what you think your mum would like to hear, and honestly answer 'no religion'.  But in true British style, every conceivable sect, cause and peccadillo is piling in to grab a piece of the action.  The BHA has any number of fights on its hands.

Government policy apparently states that any religion recorded in the census as having at least 10,000 followers will be recognised as a minority for which provision must be made in public institutions.  Let's take a quick canter through some of the groups trying to make sure they snare these benefits.  Jains?  Of course.  Holistic Spiritualists?  You bet (or not, they probably wouldn't like it).  Pagans, wiccans, druids and animists?  Naturally.  Even heavy metal fans and Pokemon players have their own organised Facebook campaigns.  With climate change and Thelema recently recognised as potentially capable of formal designation as beliefs deserving legal protection, census counters are going to have all sorts of fun sorting this mess out.

My view?  Cherish your one opportunity not to answer.  You're going to have to tell the Government about every other aspect of your life (including sexual habits).  Save the memes for the internet, and leave the blank space blank.