Welcome to the velodrome: how track cycling has changed since Beijing

The Olympic track cycling has just started at the velodrome. It's a beautifully designed building and a fitting tribute to all the success that our cyclists have achieved since the state-of-the-art Manchester velodrome was built for the 2002 Commonwealth Games.

Great Britain won seven gold medals, three silvers and two bronzes on the track in Beijing, including three golds for Chris Hoy and two for Bradley Wiggins. To put that into perspective, we won seven of 10 events and 12 of 30 medals available. Of our entire track cycling team, only Mark Cavendish failed to win a medal, and (as most of you know) he's since become the most successful road cyclist in the world. That's an astonishingly dominant performance by any measure. Even more so when you consider that the prestigious men's 1000m race - at which Britain's Jason Queally and Chris Hoy had won the previous two Olympic golds - was surprisingly cut from the Olympic programme prior to Beijing.

Repeating that performance was always going to be a difficult task, especially with several other countries increasing investment in the sport to try to catch up. But changes introduced by the UCI (the sport's governing body) at the behest of the IOC have made it an impossible one.

Firstly, each country can now only enter one rider or team for each event. This immediately means that no country will ever emulate our Beijing feat of winning more medals than there were events. The main headache this created for the GB selectors was who to pick for the men's sprint, since Jason Kenny and Chris Hoy would both be favourites to win medals. The selectors have picked Kenny on the basis of his better recent form, so Chris Hoy cannot now defend one of his three Olympic titles. As mentioned above, this is now the second time that Hoy has been prevented from defending an Olympic title.

Secondly, several events have been cut from the Olympic programme. This is an unfortunate consequence of the admirable objective of enabling women to compete in just as many track cycling events as men. Rather than adding women's equivalents of the existing men's events, the UCI have been forced to remove some events to avoid increasing the total number and thereby diluting the value of a gold medal (as the IOC would see it). The men's madison has been cut, along with the men's and women's individual pursuit events (previously won for Britain by Chris Boardman, Bradley Wiggins and Rebecca Romero) and the men's and women's points races. These events have been replaced with the women's team sprint, the women's team pursuit, the women's keirin and the men's and women's omnium races. For those of you new to track cycling, the omnium is a hexathlon of disciplines aimed at rewarding all-round cycling skill where competitors tackle a short time trial, a flying lap race, a points race, elimination race, pursuit race and scratch race.

It's worth remembering that these changes are great news for some riders - Victoria Pendleton now has the chance to ride for three gold medals rather than one, and to translate the staggering dominance she's exhibited at recent World Championships into the Olympic arena in front of an adoring home crowd. But it's a real shame that administrators couldn't have found a way to retain traditional events such as the individual 1,000m and 4,000m races while also introducing long overdue equality. Even taking into account that there are also a few mountain bike, BMX and road cycling events at London 2012, it must be pretty devastating for track cyclists to see swimmers and track and field athletes competing in 34 and 48 events respectively. I'm certainly not arguing that any sport should be structured to ensure that Great Britain wins as many medals as possible. I'm arguing that the sport should be properly represented at the Olympic Games, and that we should be able to see athletes competing to become Olympic champions in the most prestigious track cycling races.

In short, don't blame Team GB's track cyclists when we fall short of our Beijing medal tally. Blame murky manoeuvrings behind the curtain of sporting politics.

A beginner's guide to the Olympic time trials

After your kind comments on my guide to the weekend's Olympic road races, I've been persuaded that something similar might help you all through the road time trials on Wednesday. You'll be very relieved to hear that there aren't any complicated tactics to grapple with, so this post will focus on the competing riders and assess the prospects for British success.

Hello!  Hypothetical moron reporting for duty again.  Did you miss me?

Not so much.

So I really enjoyed the road races, despite the TV coverage.  I'm ready for more cycling, and I've heard the time trials are next.  How do they work?

This time, the riders will set off one by one separated by intervals of 90 seconds. The winner is the rider who completes the course in the shortest time. It's really that simple! Is that all you wanted to know? Can I get back to watching the archery now?

Not so fast!  I have LOTS more questions for you to pretend that I'm asking.  When and where will these races happen?  Can I go and watch?

Both races take place on Wednesday - the women's race begins at 12:30 and should finish at about 13:45, and the men's race begins at 14:15 and should finish shortly after 16:00. The course winds its way from Hampton Court around south-west London and back to the palace again over a distance of 44km (with a reduced course of 29km for the women). I think Hampton Court is the only ticketed part of the course, so you can rock up anywhere else on the day and see the best riders in the world for free. Take a look at the course maps and get there early for the best views.

So it's all about times, is it?  What happens if the organisers screw up again and fail to provide proper time checks to broadcasters?  If I can't make it to the course, should I even bother tuning in?

You're right in the sense that watching a time trial without being able to see intermediate checks would be horribly masochistic. But I think the Olympic broadcasters have got the message now - even though the IOC is publicly claiming that their road race failures were caused by overexcited spectators tweeting too much! The women's road race benefited from far more accurate time checks and rider identification the following day. In any case, the time checks during a time trial are provided by computers positioned at two or three fixed checkpoints around the course, so (even if you rather generously choose to believe the IOC's explanation) interference shouldn't cause a problem here.

What happens if one rider catches another who started earlier?

Catching the rider ahead of you has no impact on the final result, though it's an encouraging sign as it obviously means that you're 90 seconds ahead of their time to that point. The starting gaps at the Tour de France time trials are usually two or three minutes, so we could see more catches in this Olympic format. When a rider gets caught, they'll be watched very closely by the race officials to make sure that they don't try to gain an advantage by staying in the slipstream of the faster rider. Doing this could result in a time penalty or perhaps even disqualification.

Do the riders use different equipment for time trial races?

Yes. Every aspect of the rider's kit and bike is fine-tuned to reduce weight and make them more aerodynamic. Even the rider's position on the bike will be different, as they keep their heads low over the handlebars to cut through the air with as little resistance as possible. Without getting too technical, look out for extremely tight lycra skinsuits, a carbon disc wheel rather than the usual spokes at the back of the bike, ovoid chain rings to help riders conserve every last drop of momentum out of a consistent pedalling rhythm and even tiny packets of gel taped to bikes to replace more cumbersome drink bottles.

I'm still a patriotic Brit because you're being consistent.  Which British riders are competing?  Could we win a medal?

Bradley Wiggins is the favourite for gold in the men's race. He comfortably won time trial stages of 41.5km and 53.5km at the Tour de France over similar terrain this month, and his background in pursuit events on the track makes him ideally suited to this event. The only cause for concern (apart from his sideburns) is that he might not have fully recovered from his exertions in trying desperately to pace Mark Cavendish back to the leaders in Saturday's road race.

Chris Froome is the only other Brit riding the time trial. Primarily a climber, he's made massive improvements in time trialling since joining Team Sky a couple of years ago. In those Tour de France time trials I mentioned, Froome finished second to Wiggins both times. He'd have an excellent chance to give Wiggins a run for his money on a more hilly course. Nonetheless, he'll still be expecting to finish in the top five and possibly to claim a well-deserved medal.

Emma Pooley and Lizzie Armitstead are riding for Britain in the women's time trial. A Cambridge engineering graduate currently studying for a PhD, Pooley won a silver medal in the same event at Beijing and has since taken gold and silver at the last two World Championships. However, all three of those courses were much better suited to her climbing prowess and efficient technical style than the flatter London course, which will probably favour stronger, heavier riders. On paper Armitstead is far less likely to win a medal, but perhaps Sunday's brilliant road race might propel her to another special performance - especially if she's been reunited with her lucky sunglasses…

Sounds very promising!  Who are the other favourites?

Switzerland's Fabian Cancellara (known as 'Spartacus') is the Olympic champion and a prolific time trial specialist. You might remember that he crashed towards the end of the road race and burst into tears after finishing last, fearing that he'd broken his collarbone for the second time in three months and would miss the chance to defend this title. But the collarbone was only bruised, and his reputation for resilience was earned the hard way. Cancellara beat Wiggins in the prologue at the Tour de France over a much shorter distance, but performed poorly in one of the other time trials and pulled out of the race to concentrate on the Olympics.

Why is his nickname 'Spartacus'?  He doesn't look much like Kirk Douglas.  Does he pay a few other decoy riders to use the same nickname, just to confuse the Romans?

I don't know. It doesn't make much sense. At one point he was using "Tony Montana" as a back-up nickname, so perhaps the Swiss only allow partially-sighted people to go to the cinema? Anyway, shush, we've got more riders to talk about. Tony Martin won the time trial at September's World Championships for Germany, beating Wiggins into second place. It's difficult to assess his form as he broke his wrist at the Tour de France and missed both time trial stages. He started Saturday's road race but stopped very early to conserve energy for the time trial. If he's fully recovered from his injury, he should win a medal and could certainly take gold. As for any other contenders in the men's race, it's a very small field and that was reduced further when Australian star Cadel Evans was forced to pull out citing fatigue. Among the other 33 riders, only Luis Leon Sanchez (who finished third in one of the Tour de France time trials) and Sylvain Chavanel have a realistic shot at a medal.

Turning to the women's race, Olympic champion Kristin Armstrong (no relation to disgraced wristband magnate Lance, thank goodness) is the favourite to defend her title among a tiny field of 23 riders, though Germany's Judith Arndt should be hot on her heels.

My prediction? If you don't want to miss two British medals, you'd better stay tuned to the cycling on Wednesday. It should be well worth getting sacked for!

UPDATE

Since writing this post, the start times and race numbers for all the riders have been published. As expected, the favourites for gold are starting towards the end to ratchet up the tension. Here are the key times and numbers to look out for.

Women's race

Emma Pooley, GBR (number 6) - scheduled to set off at 12:57
Judith Arndt, GER (2) - 13:03
Kristin Armstrong, USA (1) - 13:04:30

Men's race

Sylvain Chavanel, FRA (8) - 14:58:30
Chris Froome, GBR (7) - 15:00
Luis Leon Sanchez, ESP (5) - 15:03
Tony Martin, GER (3) - 15:06
Bradley Wiggins, GBR (2) - 15:07:30
Fabian Cancellara, SUI (1) - 15:09

A beginner's guide to the Olympic road race

I'm sure we're all still coming down after yesterday's incredible Olympic opening ceremony, but THE SPORT STARTS NOW people. Don't forget about the sport!

Britain's best chance of a medal today comes at the men's cycling road race. As a public service, I've allowed myself to be interviewed about it by a hypothetical moron. If you're suddenly intrigued by road cycling because we're amazing at it, or have recently suffered a life-threatening head injury, this might get you through the day.

So, road cycling. Why do I care?

Because it's a fast-paced tactical sport that produces intense moments of unforgettable drama. I can't remember whether I was going to make you a hypothetical patriotic British person, but if you are - we have a very good chance of winning a gold medal, and we've just dominated the shit out of the Tour de France.

I can ride a bike. Why should I be impressed?

They're riding 250km in less than six hours. Can you do that? No, I thought not. How about doing that almost every day for three weeks, as they do at the Tour de France? How about riding that distance at an average speed of more than 40km/h, including nine trips up a tricky little climb? Starting to sound almost impossible? It is. That's why they all deserve our attention and adulation.

Where is it? Can I go and watch?

Yes, you can still go. There are two ticketed areas on the course - the start/finish at The Mall, and part of Box Hill, the only climb on the route which the riders will tackle nine times. The rest of the 250km route isn't ticketed, so you can pop along and cheer on the riders for free. If you can find a slight incline, that might help as the riders will come past you more slowly. These projected timings should give you a good idea of when to expect the riders to pass. If you're going to sit at home, the start time is 10:00 and the estimated finish time is 15:38.

Who's riding in the race then?

There are 144 riders - you can see the full list here. Broadly speaking, they're grouped into national teams of a maximum of 5 riders, though only Spain, Italy, GB, Belgium, Australia, the US, the Netherlands, Switzerland and Germany have qualified to bring a full team. If you're completely neutral and desperate for someone to cheer on, scroll down to rider number 82 - yes, that's right, JACK BAUER is competing for New Zealand. Is there anything that man can't do? A couple of big names missing from the start list due to injury and illness are Sammy Sanchez, who took gold for Spain at the Great Wall course in Beijing four years ago, and Thor Hushovd, who's won the green jersey for best sprinter at the Tour de France several times and would be a major medal contender for Norway.

Let's assume I'm a patriotic Brit. I mean, you can do that, right? Since you're making me up? Who's riding for us?

There are five British riders in the race. They won't have to achieve much to beat our results in Beijing - we entered four riders there (none of whom are returning) and none of them finished due to the extreme heat - but they're aiming a little higher this time around. Taking them one by one, Bradley Wiggins has just won this year's Tour de France, the most prestigious bike race in the world. Chris Froome (who competed for Kenya until a few years ago) came second in the same race and could probably have won it if he hadn't been riding under team orders to help Wiggins. "Manx missile" Mark Cavendish has been the best sprinter in the world for at least four years, and won the road race World Championship title last year. David Millar is a veteran rider who reads the race well and will be the team captain on the road. Between those four, they won an unprecedented seven of the 21 stages at this year's Tour de France. Finally, Ian Stannard is a hard worker who will help the team to chase down any attacks that look likely to jeopardise their plan for gold.

So what are Team GB going to do? What's their plan for the race?

Their plan will be to make sure that Mark Cavendish wins a big sprint finish on the Mall - the other four riders have no medal ambitions of their own (unless something happens to Cavendish) and are primarily there to give him the best possible chance of winning gold. If they can get him to the final kilometre in the leading group, there's a very good chance he'll win. But that's going to be very difficult to achieve. Everyone else in the race knows that Cavendish has the best sprint finish of all the riders, so the other teams will be trying to launch attacks throughout the race to gain a lead over the main field (or 'peloton'). For the same reason, the onus will be on Team GB to take the leading role (and therefore expend the most effort) in chasing down any such breakaways. Box Hill will present another challenge, as Cavendish is less suited to hauling himself over climbs than some of his other sprinting rivals - however, he's lost a bit of weight this year to try to beat Box Hill, and that didn't seem to have affected his finishing power at the Tour. Even if it does come down to a big sprint finish, there are several other riders who can beat Cavendish on their day.

How will they manage to apply those tactics out on the course?

It's going to be a bit more difficult than usual as the riders can't carry team radios in this race, so they can't get any information from their team managers. That's why a veteran rider like David Millar will be so important - he can use his expertise to read the race, determine whether a particular attack is likely to succeed and whether it contains any dangerous riders, and decide whether or not the team needs to chase it down.

You've mentioned David Millar a couple of times. I thought he was a drugs cheat? Isn't that a major problem for this sport?

Well, you're partly right. He was banned for a year in 2004 for taking EPO, a drug which increases the oxygen-carrying capacity of blood and therefore improves endurance by boosting production of red blood cells. Unlike many other riders in the same position, Millar confessed straight away and has since established a role as perhaps the leading anti-doping advocate in the sport. He has been accepted back into the peloton and is widely respected among his peers. Despite all that, he would still have been unable to compete in the Olympics under the BOA's policy of Olympic bans for anyone convicted of a doping offence. However, that policy was struck out as unfair by the Court of Arbitration for Sport this year after a challenge by an American runner. David Millar is perhaps the best available example of a reformed drugs cheat who deserves a second chance. and Team GB will benefit hugely from his experience and decision-making in this race. Overall, cycling has become a lot cleaner over the past decade, and cyclists are subjected to more advanced testing throughout the year than any other sportsmen. Basically, don't let Lance Armstrong put you off. As far as it's possible to tell, Bradley Wiggins and Mark Cavendish have proved to everyone that you can still win clean.

OK, you've convinced me, I'm going to watch. Let's say it comes down to a big sprint finish. Who are Cavendish's main rivals?

After the Tour, I'd say his main rival is Peter Sagan from Slovakia (wearing number 36 in this race). Sagan is only 21 but managed to win three tough stages and take this year's green jersey at the Tour at his first attempt. He doesn't have any teammates in this race as Slovakia haven't qualified any other riders, so the lack of a team leadout for a traditional sprint is a slight handicap, but he's good enough to win alone. Box Hill gives him a slight advantage as he's also a competent climber - he even managed to attack on a couple of gruelling mountain stages at the Tour, so he's perfectly capable of winning from a breakaway group too. In a sprint, the other contenders are probably Andre Greipel (number 47), who won three Tour stages and has the support of a very strong German team, and Matt Goss (number 23), who was well placed in most of the big Tour sprints but comes out of that race with quite a lot to prove. Belgium's Tom Boonen and Philippe Gilbert (numbers 16 and 17) could also play a part, but neither has particularly good form this year. Anyone could win if a breakaway manages to beat the main field to the line, but France's panache-dripping Sylvain Chavanel (number 54) is definitely worth keeping an eye on.

This is going to be one of the most exciting events at the Olympics, so do watch if you can. If you enjoy today's race, the women's road race (featuring Beijing's British Olympic champion Nicole Cooke) follows tomorrow, and the men's time trial follows on Wednesday, with Bradley Wiggins and Chris Froome both back and battling to beat time trial specialists Fabian Cancellara of Switzerland and Tony Martin of Germany. Track cycling follows towards the end of next week.

So stay tuned throughout the day, support Team GB and let's all cross our fingers that Mark Cavendish can win our first gold of the Games!

Friday the thirteenth

The Friday the thirteenth superstition seems to have developed organically in the nineteenth century.  Unless you prefer to believe Dan Brown and his conspiracy of time-travelling nuclear weapon -wielding space Popes of manifest destiny, or whatever those books were about.  Either way, 2012 will include three Friday the thirteenths (starting today), so this year should be as unlucky as it gets.  Paraskevidekatriaphobics should be on their guard, and not just against people cobbling together ridiculous Greek words.

Spanish-speaking cultures apparently believe that Tuesday the thirteenth is unlucky instead.  Thirteen has been considered an unlucky number ever since Judas became the world's least favourite party guest, so just add your culture's least favourite day of the week and voila - the writing's on the very superstitious wall.  It's that simple.  Assuming that you're willing to believe in things that you don't understand, of course.

Here's an exhaustive list of bad (note: not remotely unfortunate) things that have happened on Friday the thirteenth.  In 1996, Tupac Shakur was pronounced dead - not shot, just the subsequent procedural formality.  In 2010, an engineering train decoupled for 13 minutes causing some minor delays on the Tube.  In 2029, an asteroid might pass unusually close to the Earth, and I'll admit that this has already inspired several godawful films.  Perhaps worst of all, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen were born on a Friday the thirteenth in 1986.  But that's it.  That's all I could find.  The invasion of Poland, Hiroshima, Coldplay album releases, Lockerbie, Chernobyl, Diagnosis Murder being cancelled, Fukushima, the assassination of Dr Martin Luther King Jr, the birth of James Corden, Katrina, the Great Fire, Kate Winslet getting married, 9/11, 7/7, a critical mass of people deciding that 24/7 is an acceptable adverb, the Titanic sinking, the Belgrano sinking, Pirates Of The Caribbean - none of these indescribably awful things happened on Friday the thirteenth.

One study estimated that behavioural changes cost the US economy almost a billion dollars each Friday the thirteenth.  Ascribing unlucky everyday occurrences to the coincidence of a number and a day is certainly much more fun than accepting responsibility or bothering to analyse causation.  But don't forget to buy your lottery ticket today.

2012 quiz of the year

If you've made it through Christmas without being subjected to a seemingly interminable quiz poring over every conceivable aspect of 2011 in forensic detail, congratulations.  Really.  You deserve some sort of medal, or perhaps even a broadsheet newspaper subscription.

Trivial ritual and reminiscence is all very well, but I'd prefer to look forward (if only to sustain the rather tenuous premise of this introduction).  So I've prepared this rather tricky little batch of 12 questions about the coming year instead.  If you feel like submitting your answers and haven't cheated, you can email them to me - there might* even be a small prize!  Bribing me to procure hints is positively encouraged.  If that seems far too much like hard work**, the answers will almost certainly*** appear here in 10 days or so.   Good luck!


1.   Which central American civilisation is commonly believed to have predicted that the world would end on 21 December 2012?

2.   Which undeservedly bestselling and undeniably ludicrous work of fiction published in 2009 centres around that prediction?

3.   Why was the film '2012' banned in North Korea?

4.   Which star of '2012' had previously played an illegal immigrant forced to harvest organs in a London hotel in his first major film role?

5.   2012 marks the 100th anniversary of Alan Turing's birth.  What is the Turing test?

6.   Queen Elizabeth II will celebrate her Diamond Jubilee in 2012 (assuming that she doesn't kick the bucket before 6 February).  Which date has been designated as a special bank holiday to mark the occasion?

7.   Who is the only other British monarch to have celebrated a Diamond Jubilee?

8.   London will host the Summer Olympic Games for the third time in 2012.  In which other years did London host the games?

9.   Which three other cities have hosted the Summer Olympic Games twice?

10.   Which popular "historical science fiction action-adventure" video game series featuring the character Desmond Miles takes place primarily in 2012?

11.   How many Friday the 13ths will there be in 2012?

12.   Which British author would have celebrated his 200th birthday on 7 February 2012?


* (but there won't)
** (because you're incredibly lazy)
*** (because I'm incredibly lazy)

About their Royal Wedding

In a long-overdue homage to the minds behind one of my favourite blogs, I thought I'd briefly hijack their MO to alert you to this unmissable item of royal wedding safety equipment.

Yes, it's a rather stylish Royal Wedding sick bag.  Designed by Lydia Leith, you can buy one directly from her website for the anything-but-princely sum of £3.  Or - because you know one bag isn't going to be enough to get through this - how about a matching (and suitably regal) gold and purple set for £8?  I'm proud to say I've ordered mine already. 

How to avoid setting a world record

You might remember that I got myself £200 of John Lewis vouchers by winning two games at the Cadbury Spots v Stripes event a couple of weeks ago.  And if you don't, why not?  I've mentioned it often enough (and then some).

The organisers have very kindly sent me some video footage of my miserable failures at two of the other games.  First up - stacking coins.  In case it isn't obvious, I was supposed to be doing this quickly.

Next up was competitive tea making - or, in other words, throwing teabags into mugs, adding spoons and touching a kettle to finish.  As you'll see, I've only explained those final stages of the game for completeness - I didn't even make it that far.  I'd DEFINITELY have done a lot better with coffee.  Watch all the way to the end for a world-class gesture of contemptuous petulance.  For reference, someone finished this game in 45 seconds...

Can you do better?

Yes.

10 'facts' about Libya

In a recent survey, 83% of participants ranked Muammar Gaddafi as their least favourite Moomin

Roadside assistance organisation Green Flag is actually a money laundering facade maintained by the Libyan transport ministry

The country's geopolitical stock could plummet.  Standard & Poor are threatening to downgrade it to 'Libby B', one place behind Karl Kennedy's daughter

Psychologists have cited the acrimonious divorce from Moopa Gaddafi as a possible cause of the Colonel's insatiable rage

Coming soon to a cinema near you: the cartoon adventures of a megalomaniac autocrat, in "Gaddafi: DUCK!"

Placing two adjacent blank Scrabble tiles earns you a Tripoli word score - call 1-800-GADDAFI to find out what word you're required to have said

Gaddafi's public speaking style has earned him international renown as Libya's "unclear weapon"

The Colonel's enthuasiastic misunderstanding of English idioms forced major oil corporations to offer petroleum by-products as horticultural bribes.  Tripoli's palms have never looked greasier

Gaddafi's first name is actually Orville.  The popular acronym "OMG" derives from thinly-veiled references to his surprising behaviour in US intelligence reports

In Libyan Cluedo, you know the Colonel was the murderer from the start - you just have to guess today's victim

Blogging for Bournville

Dipping a tentative toe into the chocolate fountain of targeted marketing 

On Thursday night I attended a social event organised for Cadbury by creative agency PHD.  All the attendees were bloggers, with the possible exception of me.  The event was part of Cadbury's "Spots v Stripes" campaign to stir up some competitive spirit in Britain ahead of the Olympics, so we each played seven timed games and tried to smash some world records.

Getting the housekeeping out of the way, I suppose I should say Northfield, Illinois instead of Bournville, since Cadbury's historic link with West Midlands quaker philanthropy is now about as strong as Paris Hilton's.  I also shouldn't mention chocolate - Cadbury is the official "treat" provider for London 2012, so "chocolate" and "sweets" are frowned upon and must be expurgated with extreme prejudice.  Anyway.  On the night, we enthusiastically stacked coins, threw teabags, doodled, unrolled toilet paper, clicked, scrolled and made beds.  In true Olympic tradition, our deity-like efforts were fuelled by a free bar, free finger food, and free TREAT-filled goody bags.  A rigorous regime of blood and urine testing also helped to get us all in the mood.

I was atrocious. I stacked my 25 tuppences like a hook-handed blind man on a bouncy castle (52 seconds, fourth among our team of four).  I aimed teabags at cups as if my inaccuracy was performance art, and disconsolately discarded my last batch of ammo in a contemptible gesture of unsporting petulance (disqualified).  My doodle looked like a protest against the constraint of having to stay within the lines (disqualified).  The toilet roll spun flamboyantly out of my fumbling hand and nailed a spectacular gymnastic landing (disqualified).  I was a disgrace to team Spots and I knew I had a lot of making up to do.

Fortunately, the next two games were played on computers.  Even more fortunately, we didn't have time for me to find a way of being disqualified from bedmaking.  Suddenly my lack of aptitude for any practical task became less of a handicap.  I closed 20 windows in 9.5 seconds, and dragged some sort of cartoon starfish along a TREAT-coloured racetrack in 11.73 seconds.  I won both games and was awarded £200 of John Lewis vouchers.  21.23 seconds well spent, even if I'm pretty sure the vouchers won't be.

I guess we focused on 'faster' on Thursday - given how successful it was, my fingers are firmly crossed that there might yet be future 'higher' and 'stronger' -themed events to tick off the other parts of the Olympic motto.  We had a fabulous time whether losing or winning - the guys at PHD were great fun and the games were very well chosen.  The goody bags were fantastic too (deluxe Addict-A-Balls!).  The only downside is that PHD have threatened to send each of us a personalised video compilation of our performances.  I might post mine here, but - just like the Beijing 2008 opening ceremony - I can't promise that it won't be heavily edited to cast me in a more favourable light.  Watch this space.

Top 10: French Kiss Records

French Kiss has been one of my favourite labels for several years, and not just because it's run by some of the guys from Les Savy Fav (though that obviously helps). They have a fantastic roster of bands and a great record of making tracks freely available to get people hooked. People like me. Finding out that a new band has signed there consistently counts as a fruitful recommendation. Speaking of that, try these!

The Detachment Kit - Sitting Still, Talking About Jets 
Yes, it has a stupid prog name.  And it gets worse on that front: the album is called They Raging, Quiet Army.  Whatever that means.  But if I had to make an all-time top 10 without a theme or niche, this would be a live contender.  The Detachment Kit oscillate inexplicably between amazing and turgid without any warning (if they were hirsute I'd happily refer to them as bipolar bears), but this is the very top end of that scale.  If you need another reason to listen, I can do no better than refer you to the Queen Beaktapus board game enclosed with their second album.  See also: Skyscrapers, Dead Angels Make Slow Sound

The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy! 
This is just a song about a girl, and a guy, and a horse… called Chips Ahoy.  The horse, not the girl or the guy.  It doesn't have a point, a moral or a hidden meaning.  It's just fun to listen to, and triple that live. Witty lyrics and world-class riffs.  I can't recommend their gigs highly enough, but only because any accurate description would stop me getting tickets next time.  I've never seen anyone look happier than Craig Finn on stage.  See also: Constructive Summer, Stuck Between Stations, The Swish, Cattle And The Creeping Things, most of the rest of their songs…

Passion Pit - Little Secrets
You probably know this already.  Passion Pit are terrible live - the guy can't sing at all - but the recorded versions are bouncy and fun, so why let that ruin it for you?  Epic falsetto dance music, for all I know.  See also: I've Got Your Number, Moth's Wings

Thunderbirds Are Now! - Eat This City
They're VERY CURRENT, and they're VERY HUNGRY.  At least, that's what I took away from this song.  Either that or they're VERY ANGRY ABOUT ZONING RESTRICTIONS.  This is a silly band with silly song names like Panthers In Crime and Enough About Me, Let's Talk About Me, but this track is the highlight of a great album.  And the band name probably seemed less ironic when they were still releasing records.  See also: Better Safe Than Safari, 198090

Rahim - 10,000 Horses 
This song goes woo woo in all the right places.  Also some wrong ones, but the balance is in their favour.   I don't know whether Rahim are still releasing music and can't recommend any other songs, but only because I haven't heard them.  Hey, how about this: you do some work for once and tell ME whether they're good!  This isn't all one way you know.

Local Natives - Sun Hands
They're a bit like the Fleet Foxes you read all those laudatory things about that you couldn't hear in their boring records.  I shouldn't complain: I did get to see The Clientele massively overshadow them as support.  Anyway.  Where was I?  Ah yes, this band.  They're critically acclaimed AND good, so give last year's debut album a try.  See also: Airplanes, Who Knows Who Cares

Enon - Come Into 

If you remember guitarist John Schmersal's previous band Brainiac, you probably already know Enon.  Noisy jerky indie, sometimes with added Japanese girl vocals.  Never knowingly overproduced.  This is from their first album, Believo! - the later ones were probably more consistent, especially the brilliant High Society.  See also: Natural Disasters, Starcastic

The Dodos - Winter 
Stripped down - drums, guitar, man voices.  Quite different from most other French Kiss bands.  If you need to crack your way out of a tedious singer-songwritery rut, this would be a good place to start.  See also: Fools, Walking

Lifter Puller - Space Humpin' $19.99
Lifter Puller (LFTR PLLR to fans and irritable vowel sufferers) were Craig Finn's first band.  I'd apologise for including this song alongside the Hold Steady, but I'm just not an apologising kind of guy.   Plus, it's awesome.  It's hard to summarise the difference between the two bands, but let's try: all Lifter Puller's songs about drugs are very slightly less mature and articulate.  Lifter Puller had their own internal universe - a cast of characters, a map of streets and stories.  Apparently people still make pilgrimages to Minneapolis intersections referenced in their songs.  Not very many people, you understand.  A select and crazy few.  See also: Lie Down On Lansdowne, Half Dead And Dynamite

Les Savy Fav - Tragic Monsters 
I couldn't leave them out and wouldn't want to.  I've seen them a few times: when Tim Harrington started throwing lost-and-found women's shoes into the crowd in the rain at Victoria Park, I caught one and kept it for a year (almost entirely through forgetfulness).  At another gig, he taught my sister a lesson by shoving her phone down her top for texting during a song.  Punky songs with clever lyrics that are just easy enough to sing while off your tits or 30 metres into the crowd above their heads while naked in a dustbin.  "What we don't know can't hurt us yet", this song says.  Apply that rule and go buy their albums today.  Hell, give your record collection a spring clean and go get all the albums on this list.

Bamboozling

When I was little I drank slightly less alcohol than I do now, so I didn't want to go to pub quizzes.  And those fundraising "wine and wisdom" things in the school hall where everyone's parents scrabbled to show themselves off somehow seemed a bit forced.  And we didn't have the internet, unless you rather generously count Compuserve.  But you know what we had?  We had Channel 4 teletext.  And by 'we', I mean my grandparents.  They lived 88.5 miles away - I knew this because I was me, I remember this because I'm still me.  Every time we visited, I'd snaffle the remote once a day and switch to page 452 to play Bamboozle! 

Bamboozle! was a daily quiz of twelve multiple choice questions hosted by the rather dashing Bamber.  And they were tough.  If you didn't know your birthstones, county towns and English rivers, you were in all sorts of trouble.  You had to press red, green, yellow or blue to choose an answer.  You could always tell when you'd got one wrong by the mangled page number you were routed through to get to the next question.  Just like life, there were no second chances, no prizes and it frequently broke.  At the end, Bamber would give you your score and rank you according a scale based on the final question.  If question 12 was 'What type of animal is a cetacean?', a perfect score might earn you a 'blue whale', but a big fat zero might slap you with a 'Jonah'.  When I was young it was the most fun you could have with a middle-aged toupéed man without… let's not go there.

Bamboozle! disappeared from Teletext a couple of years ago, commemorated only by this very special image which I promise I haven't printed off and don't keep under my pillow.  Not even a little bit.  At the time, I remember thinking that it almost seemed as if the national press didn't care.  Everything had changed and no-one had noticed, and so on and so forth.  It was a bit of a shame.  You get the slow-loading pixellated picture.

Fortunately the life cycle of a game works very differently these days.  Once upon a time, a popular game would be shelved just a few short sequels after it had outstayed its welcome.  Now everything gets brought back as an iPhone app, and that's exactly what's happened to Bamboozle!  There are a few differences - a timer, penalties for mistakes, a leaderboard - but for 59p, it's an extremely cheap and addictive game which I can wholeheartedly recommend.  I'd even be happy to leverage the global fame that came with my unsuccessful appearance on 15 To 1 to endorse it on billboards, but only if the money is right.  The questions are very hard and I haven't seen any repeats yet - that's all you can ask from a quiz, surely?  Anyway, my best time so far is a thoroughly mediocre 75 seconds.  Let me know if you smash that to pieces on your own nostalgia trip.

A guide to solving cryptic crosswords: part two

Four weeks ago, I posted part one of this guide.  You might remember that I gently introduced the subject by explaining how to spot anagrams and hidden words.  You might not, because it's been a long time and you haven't been practising, even though you promised you would.  You've earned yourself a heavy dose of Inspector Remorse. 

We've only skimmed the surface so far.  You'll need a full bag of tools to tackle a cryptic crossword and I've pretty much only given you the bag so far, together with a tiny note reading 'I've borrowed all the tools, you can have them in four weeks'.  I owe you nine-tenths of an iceberg, so I'm cracking open the freezer.  Let's get started.

Flugelbert's primer
It's probably not even worth opening your newspaper without understanding this simple premise.  For each clue, you'll need to count the number of times that the letter A appears.  0-3 As means that the answer will be a noun (2 usually indicates a proper noun).  4 or 5 signifies a verb, 6 an adverb.  7 or more As and you can guarantee that you're looking for an adjective.  This should help you rule out some of your more outlandish ideas and focus your thoughts.  The name and principle of this concept commemorate Gerardus Flugelbert, a celebrated Slovak cruciverbalist who could instinctively pinpoint the correct positions of all the As throughout any crossword at a glance.

Triskaidekasymmetry 
You'll probably have noticed that crossword grids are supposed to be symmetrical.  Take that to its logical conclusion, and you'll be well on your way to solving some of the trickiest clues around.  If you can solve a clue in one half of a crossword, you should be able to work out the corresponding answer in the other half (its "triskaiflection") straight away.  How?  Simply advance each letter of the answer 13 places through the alphabet.  Whenever you get to Z, you'll need to start again at A and continue your counting - this explains triskaidekasymmetry's classification in the puzzling pantheon as a Pacmanian premise.

Se doku
Have you ever wondered why Japanese number puzzles sit so comfortably next to crosswords?  The answer is simple - the former was developed from the latter.  Se doku is one of the founding principles of the crossword puzzle. In any row or column or answer, there should not be any repeated letters.  If you think you've solved a clue but this rule is violated, you only have "an answer", not "the answer".  The name was slightly changed to avoid any copyright claims from the estate of the late Edward Powys Mathers and Derrick Somerset Macnutt.  Cruciverbalists often joke at conventions that the corruption to su doku has violated the very rule which inspired the puzzle!

Alphascrabbling 
After reading about se doku, you'll appreciate that mind game developers rank among the world's worst plagiarists.  The aforementioned inventors of the cryptic crossword - hallowed be their names - are just as guilty.  A giant leap towards solving any clue can be taken by assigning each letter in the clue a corresponding integer value between 1 and 26.  Adding these integers will give you a "total", and the square root of this "total" tells you the scrabble value of the answer.  You must assume that the word is not placed on any double or triple word or letter spaces, unless the trigger words "biscuit" or "chaise-longue" appear in the clue.

Hit parade 
Crossword setters in the 1950s noted the introduction of the singles chart with a rather cynical interest, and quickly realised (being an iconoclastic bunch of godless evolutionists) that they would need to adapt to survive.  All the answers taken together must include the song and artist name of the number one single from the corresponding week 16 years ago.  Originally the number 4 was chosen, but this was increased to 16 by the Geneva Convention.  This provoked far more debate than the more famous rules for treatment of wartime prisoners, which were only whacked together in a frenzy of displacement activity sparked by a particularly tricky 17 across.  Hardcore solvers maintain that the answers must also include the album and label names and at least 16% of the words used in the liner notes.

Sensorationalism
Crosswords are often printed on special paper.  Several trigger words might prompt you to realise that the answer to a clue is already imprinted in barely perceptible Braille - examples are "sight unseen", "dotty" and "red".  The same applies if there are no Is anywhere in the clue.  Running one's hands across the grid before tackling the clues is known is "fumbling", and is frowned upon - accusations of fumbling have marred many international tournaments and ruined promising careers.  Similarly, if the letters of the phrase "inky nostrils" appear anywhere in a clue - in any order - you will need to rub your finger across the corresponding answer spaces and sniff.  Be very careful not to stray into any neighbouring spaces, as these are often infused with powerful and deeply unpleasant scents designed to lead you astray.  Cruciverbalists with wandering hands frequently suffer crippling bouts of anosmia.

Armed with these tools, you should have any crossword puzzle wrapped around your little finger!  But not literally, because the clues will be illegible, you won't be able to fill in the answers and your finger will get covered in ink.

Kinetica Art Fair 2011

Kinetica is the equivalent of the Royal Academy's summer exhibition, but for younger people who don't like wading through 173 still lifes of vegetables and lumpy pots.  Tucked away surreptitiously in a warehouse space opposite Baker Street tube station, I hadn't heard of it until Twitter celebrity @squeezeomatic alerted me to its existence.  Four things prompted me to pop along: her photos, my boredom, the 205 bus route and my misapprehension that it was free. 

To quote from their website, the fair provides a platform for artists who "focus on universal concepts and evolutionary processes though the convergence of kinetic, electronic, robotic, sound, light, time-based and multi-disciplinary new media art, science and technology".  In other words, does it go bleep bleep, whirr whirr or flash bright colours at people?  If you said yes, you're in.  Here's a quick sample of some of my favourite exhibits that made the cut.

If you're so inclined, you can see the rest of my photos here.

The fair ended on Sunday and I assume everything has been sold.  Hopefully it'll be back in 2012 with more robot dogs, wind-up mermaids and neon heads than you can shake a flux capacitor at.

Valentine's Day: What not to do

Handy hints for those of you who only feel compelled to express your feelings as and when the greetings card industry dictates that you must 

Don't get a scuba diver to propose at the London Aquarium 
How is this supposed to work?  'Ahem… look over there darling, it's a beautiful and conveniently placed shoal of fish.  Oh wait, what's that strange man doing swimming around in the tank?  No, don't call security, let him get a bit closer.  Closer… there!  Look at that tacky sign with the heartfelt clip-art.  He wants you to marry me!  What do you mean you never want to see me again?'  It ticks all the boxes really.   Getting someone else to propose for you because you're an emotionless and cowardly icicle?  Tick!  Embarrassing the person you love most at a mediocre tourist attraction (I've set up better aquaria in my living room, without even the assistance of flooding or Endless Ocean)?  Tick!  Finding an unnecessarily expensive way to obliterate your long-term relationship?  Tick!  And there you have it.  If your partner is waiting for you to pop the question and you want out, this could be the perfect escape route.  It looks like you tried, there's absolutely no risk of them saying yes, and it'll make a brilliant anecdote. 

Don't buy them a compilation of cheesy love songs
Giving someone The Greatest Valentine's Day Album… Ever! (note: other titles are available) doesn't say 'I love you'.  It says 'I can't be bothered to show or tell you how I feel, so here are some songs written by people who aren't me about people who aren't you selected by people who aren't either of us'.  It says 'I was desperately trawling high-street chain stores at the last minute and this had some hearts on it'.  It's a cop-out. It's not even an afterthought, it's an instead-of-thought.  If your heart is set on giving music, you'd better sit down at the piano or make your own mixtape.  Even then, it had better be part of something bigger.

Don't go and watch Blue Valentine 
It does say Valentine in the title, so I can imagine research-intolerant people making this mistake.  Don't do it.  You'll either find it harrowing and sad, or (like me) wonder why on earth it's received so much praise.  I have no complaints about the central performances (though any nominations are based more on percentage screen time than wonderful acting), but the characters are thoroughly unlikeable and the ending inevitable.  Either way, the last thing you'll feel coming out of the cinema is romantic.  Possibly depressed, probably disappointed, certainly poorer: or, to put it another way, like you've just broken up.  The satisfaction of recognising Rawls from The Wire might not be enough to rescue your evening.

Don't spend all your money on a guided tour of the Freud Museum 
I quite fancy a trip to the Freud Museum, but not like this.  Not an intimate guided tour for two surrounded by the paraphernalia of questioning your desires.  Not for £125, no matter how many Freudian gifts they might slip into the promised (and worryingly vague) "goody bag".  And certainly not for the extra prosecco and mouth-ticklers you'd get on a £150 deluxe tour.  'Happy Valentine's Day, darling.  But why are we REALLY here?'  This is no time to present your true love with an intense voyage of self-discovery and a chocolate phallus.

The kigu, the secret

(Title by kind indifference of Urban Cookie Collective)

Kigus are animal costumes inspired by Japanese kigurumi, performers who dress as cuddly toys.  They're fuzzy onesies with hoods and tails.  They're also machine washable, and perfect for every occasion.  I have the dinosaur.

I've spent quite a bit of time trying and failing to work out what kind of dinosaur I am.  I mean, it is. Obviously.  Ahem.  I suppose the hood is disproportionately large compared to the head - does that make it a pachycephalosaurus?  It has little spikes down the back, so it could be a stegosaurus.  Then again, those genera are both herbivores: what would they do with the pointy teeth?  I'd hate to live in a world where people didn't worry about these things.  Classify me?

I've worn my kigu to restaurants, pubs, birthday parties and burlesque Hallowe'en balls.  I've lazed around in it, I've washed the dishes in it, I've danced in it and I've even written the first 163 words of a blog post in it.  Have I learned anything from these experiences?  No, with the possible exception of finding out exactly how much drunk people like furry dinosaurs.  It's like being a dinosaur in nymphoid barbarian hell.  Seriously, it's just fun to wear.  There's nothing you can't improve by doing it dressed as a dinosaur.  It even comes with its own theme song.

Finally acquiring a tail without having to wait for those genetic science dullards to catch up (STILL trying to cure cancer?!) has changed my life for the better.  I think I must be ahead of the dinosaur curve: I've already considered evolving into a bird kigu.  I might be there already if my girlfriend hadn't sneakily bought herself the penguin.

I remember when dressing up was just dressing up.  Cosplay ('costume play') and yiffing ('please don't ever ask') hadn't been invented by the furry fandom ('oh good lord people actually call themselves that').   Instead of googling those terrifying terms, just do yourself a favour and spend £40 on your very own kigu.  But make sure you only use your formidable new powers for good.

Why you (yes, you) should watch the Superbowl tonight

It's really good and there will be men running about doing clever things with a ball and stuff

I've only rediscovered my interest in American football this season - it's been dormant since Gary Imlach's 'Blitz' disappeared from Channel 4 in the early 90s.  Like most rugby union and association football fans, an assumption that it was a stop-start game of padded mercenaries running into each other had lodged itself in my mind.  One early-season game on Sky was all it took to get me hooked again.

People say the players are overpaid.  That's true, but (unlike the Premier League) it doesn't skew the championship in favour of big spenders - for two reasons.  First, there's a salary cap.  Second, the top college players are picked by the teams in an annual draft in a sequence which depends on their performance in previous seasons.  The worse you did last year, the sooner you get to pick this time. Every team has star players.  Every team starts the year with a realistic chance of winning the championship.

People say American football teams move thousands of miles to follow money, making the MK Dons story look like a fairytale.  That's true (take a bow, St Louis Rams), but it happens very rarely.  Most teams are long-established and have stayed put - this year's finalists were both founded between the wars. 

People say the players are cosseted and wrapped in cotton wool.  It's true that they wear a lot of padding, but a quick glance at the injury lists will confirm that games are still intensely competitive - perhaps the padding gives the players more scope to commit to tackles and runs.  You won't find much diving here.

People say there's too much time where nothing is happening.  It's true, each match lasts about three hours for only 60 minutes of play.  But that doesn't make it boring.  Unlike other sports, every possession means something, even if no points are immediately scored.  Will the team with the ball be able to advance 10 yards up the field for a first down?  Will the defence be able to plot an interception or force a fumble to recover possession?  Each play is a fast-moving quick-thinking game of chess - one team's defensive coordinator pitched against the opposing team's offensive coordinator, deciding whether to run or throw, blitz or cover every receiver, drop back for extra passing time or stand and deliver.  The additional time outs teams can take just provide more scope for tactical manoeuvring.  Even if you disagree, the gaps in play provide more time to discuss the game and have a pint with your friends.

Tonight's season-ending showpiece pits the Green Bay Packers against the Pittsburgh Steelers - two of the most successful teams in the history of the sport.  Green Bay (a tiny town in Wisconsin) makes the cheese; Pittsburgh makes the implements to cut it with. Yes, it's the rather appetising Cheese Knife Derby.  Well, it would be if I had my way.  Both teams have great quarterbacks and aggressive defences - they'll be playing very hard and leaving everything on the field.  It's being played in the most advanced stadium in the world in front of 100,000 noisy fans, many of whom will be wearing wedges of cheese on their heads.  Billions will be watching around the world.

Get some beers, pick a team to support, switch to BBC or Sky Sports 1 and enjoy the fun.  I'm predicting a 31-20 win for the Packers.  Bring it on!

Just the one Sunday morning puzzle

I was planning to post another pair of puzzles today.  I was.  Then I rediscovered one of my favourites and stopped looking.

PuzzleDonkey was a brilliant site that ran for quite a few years - it shut up shop in 2006 and recently reappeared as a Facebook app (which might now also have bitten the dust).  The fiendish premise was that you had to solve each puzzle to access the next.  As I recall, there were three sets of 100 puzzles each to work your way through.  No entry fees and no prizes, just satisfaction and plenty of people on hand with helpful hints (but never spoilers).  Obsessive CS Lewis fans (I guess someone has to do it) will probably appreciate the name.

This puzzle is called 'Whendunnit?', and I think it appeared in the third set.  Get ready for some detective work.

"Tell me again how you spent the night of the murder," said Inspector Pereira.  Irving shook his head in protest.

"I tells you, there's nuthin' you don't know!  I spent the morning here at home, fixin' the stairs.  Then I took Maggie out to lunch.  It was her birthday last month, and we didn't do nothin' at the time, so I thought I'd give her a treat."

"And then you came home?"

"Sure we did.  I wanted to take her shopping, but she pointed out there were a lot of jobs to do at home.  She's real practical like that - a typical Capricorn, you know?  Then in the evenin' I watched the tube and Maggie read her book.  Watership Down or somethin' like that.  Yeah, we were here for the rest of the day.  Leastways, 'til twenty before two in the morning."

"What happened then?"

"The puppy escapes, don't it.  So here's me, chasin' it down the street like a mug.  All the way to Huffman Mill and across Huffman Bridge.  Took me an age to catch the little feller."

"And then you came home again?"

"Yeah, dat's right.  I came home, to find Maggie lyin' dead. I looks up at the clock - says it's nearly four o'clock, but that don't seem right, since I thinks I've only been gone an hour or so... but, but, I dunno... I was in shock, ya know?"

Inspector Pereira did know.  What he didn't know, unfortunately, was who killed Maggie.  But at least he knew the date of her death - that was a good start.

I bet you do too.

Top 10: Songs about libraries

What are libraries for?  Free access to information and escapism for everyone, regardless of means or background.  But since I live in a country where that doesn't matter any more, I'm hoping that some obscure lyrical references might tip the balance back in their favour.

The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart - Young Adult Friction 
Taken from my favourite album of 2009 - an award inexplicably missing from their Wikipedia page - this song is about library sex.  Which, when you think about it, makes perfect sense.  Power is an aphrodisiac.  Knowledge is power.  Libraries house knowledge.  Students hang out in libraries.  Students sometimes have sex with each other.  I may have taken this several steps too far.  Anyway, take all that and add a gentle dusting of easy book puns and you've grabbed (and held) my attention.

Hefner - The Librarian 
A selfish and stupid daydream about seducing a librarian by borrowing impressive books somehow sounds exquisite.  Was it really the inspiration for She's All That?  I guess we'll never know for sure.

Camera Obscura - French Navy 
It's almost impossible to criticise this perfect song, but I'm going to: it doesn't belong on this list.  There, I said it.  Tracyanne Campbell is sitting around in a library waiting for inspiration, when someone great suddenly turns up and makes everything better.  What was so bad about the library, Tracyanne?  What did you need rescuing from?  And why did you throw in a defensive reference to your decision to let Tesco use one of your other songs?

The Magnetic Fields - Swinging London 
Short and sweet, like so many of the best Magnetic Fields songs.  Just like French Navy, the library is the start of something: this time, it's the high water mark, recalled with affection.  If (like me) you enjoy/can't seem to stop poring over lyrics, you could probably waste hours contemplating the possessive reference to "your library".  Bookworms don't just have local pubs.

Of Montreal - In The Army Kid 
Another song about women and libraries.  Half-hearted lyrics and very little to say.  Why did I include this?  Ah yes, because there aren't many songs about libraries.  Carry on.  Nothing to see here.  Certainly nothing to waste much of your precious time listening to.

MC Poindexter and the Study Crew - Library Rap 
"Get out of my face while I'm readin' my Keats!"  I'd forgotten all about this.  10,000 super-duper special bonus points to YouTube for the assist.

Cursor Miner - Library 
"The library, the library / It's a place where books are free! / The library, the library / Librarians are often sexy".  If anyone has cash or desire to invest in a promotional campaign, this should be its infuriatingly catchy soundtrack.  I refuse to use the "word" 'earworm' on principle.  Perhaps there's a public institution somewhere out there that could help me find a better alternative?  Not for long.

The Low Anthem - To The Ghosts Who Write History Books 
This song is a very helpful set of instructions handed out by its amanuensis protagonist to a gaggle of literary ghosts doing their research in a library.  Or is it?  You probably won't listen to it, so I can and will claim whatever I want to crowbar it into this list. 

E - Manchester Girl 
I have nothing positive to associate with Manchester except for this song, which must have been written by someone who had never been there.  Perhaps there's another Manchester in California, jam-packed with desirable bookish introverts.  I want that one.

Manic Street Preachers - A Design For Life 
"Libraries gave us power / Then work came and made us free".  Someone must have whispered this in Gideon Osborne's ear around the cabinet table at decision time.  He hasn't eaten since.

PS Only nine of these songs are available on Spotify, so I've thrown in Enjoy Your Worries, You May Never Have Them Again by The Books.  That's THE BOOKS.  Like what libraries have in them.  Enjoy!

How can there be a Museum of Everything?

My answer after my first visit 12 months ago would have been: there can't and there isn't, there's just a bleeding-edge hotchpotch of aggregated detritus that no-one has bothered to curate into a coherent whole.  I went back this weekend, and it's improved out of sight. 

On hearing about the Museum of Everything, my first impression was: "aha! At last. The perfect storm of hipster bullshit".  Its opening hours and days seemed to have been chosen by throwing blindfolded at calendars and clocks, it's situated in yummy Primrose Hill, and its name is patently absurd.  I went to see their second exhibition and wasn't given a reason to change my mind.  The exhibits had very little in common and the rickety space was poorly used.  As names go, 'Museum of Anything' would have better described their selection policy.  A few of the items on show were fascinating, but seeing each felt like finding a hidden gem at an overcrowded garage sale, without even the satisfaction of being able to take it home with you.  There was no context, no narrative, no thread to follow: just clutter.  As themes go, 'Museum of Nothing' would have… well, you get the idea.

My return was only motivated by convenience and coincidence: my girlfriend had something else to do in Camden and we needed to kill an hour.  I had no idea that Peter Blake had played a role in compiling their new show, but his name at the front door provided a much-needed counterpoint to my overwhelming pessimism.

Exhibition #3 is filled with taxidermy dioramas and circus paraphernalia.  Fairground attractions and their flyers line many of the walls: big and small, human and mechanical.  There's a lot to take in, but just enough space to let you achieve that.  Posed squirrels, performing midgets, ghoulish marionettes, shell grottos, miniature ferris wheels: all competing for your attention, but neatly separated so as not to overwhelm.  This time, the care and energy that's been applied to choosing items and placing them translates into a much more enjoyable experience.  The promotional floor-to-ceiling circus canvasses (presenting each showcased freak with a starburst footnote proclaiming them 'ALIVE!') and traditional American fairground attractions are stunning, and anyone who's ever peeked through the bars at Essex Road's legendary Get Stuffed will enjoy the bloodied boxing rodents and presentation of Who Killed Cock Robin?  Turning to the most important feature of any gallery, they've even done a half-decent job of setting up a functional gift shop.

All in all, free entry seemed a lot less expensive second time around.  Exhibition #3 has been extended to finish on Friday 11 February: even stuffed squirrels need a holiday.  Catch them while you can.  It's pretty easy; they can't run away.

Another two Sunday morning puzzles

Numbers and letters.

First up, a gentle mental stretch: what comes next in this sequence?

All warmed up and ready for a proper workout?  Excellent.

Just like last week, our second puzzle comes from the first season of PerplexCity.  This is definitely harder than last week's card - you might notice that we've graduated from the blue set to the purples.  Warning: cracking the premise is much more satisfying than arriving at the actual answer...